The REAL life

***Disclaimer: no children were seriously harmed in the living of this morning.

First of all, I'm impressed with myself for blogging not once, but twice this week. It had to be recognized. Now on to the good stuff.

So, this morning, being April Fool's Day, I should have expected more than normal right? Well, it still caught me off guard when my lil' sweet daughter pulled a lump of poop, actually more of a nugget really, and threw it down on our kitchen tile floor this morning. What the...? Did THAT just happen? And did it make a sound...like a dull thud..and bounce once or twice? I laughed, it was still early. I grabbed the poo and said offender and went back to change the diaper and clean offending hands, all the while my son narrating what just happened and then says to his sister "you're not supposed to touch the poo sis, you have to wait til mom changes it" Thanks bro.

I get Adam some yogurt to eat while I go shower (Emily had already eaten 2 yogurts by now) and when I'm done and dressed and come out I find Emily in the highchair demo-ing another yogurt. My nephew Kaden had saved the dog and floor from being covered in the yogurt that she got from her brother and had put her in a safe spot (kuddos to him). So, I removed her and carried her to the bathroom to shower it all off because that really was the best idea. After drying her off from a bath, she ran naked to the kitchen. I gathered a diaper and clothes and went after her. Right when I grabbed her hand to lay her down to put on a diaper, she pooped....again.....luckily on the tile. It dropped from her naked bottom to the tile with a plop and it took me about 3 seconds to realize what had just happened (I think it was mild shock and disbelief). WHAT???? THE....HAYWIRE????? Kaden was just as surprised I think. No freakin' way. I grabbed a paper towel, but the dog was a little quicker (that's right folks....dogs. are. gross.), so I cleaned up the rest. But not before lil' Miss E dug both of her pointer fingers right in her butt crack. Ok, Kaden gets the gross dog outside, I grab gross daughter by wrists and carry poop covered index fingers and butt to my bedroom to clean and diaper and dress. I'm mildly annoyed now.

I clean up the mess and go to finish getting ready. All is normal for about, oh, maybe 15 minutes until my daughter comes into the kitchen covered in RED, screaming red, lipstick. Now, I keep my makeup in a kid-lock proofed drawer, but somehow heaven smiled upon Emily and she got my most scary bright lipstick out and covered her face and hands and arms and shirt and spots of her pants in it....all the while I hear the grandma voice in my head saying "take a picture and laugh honey, it's not that big of a deal." But I didn't listen to that voice, I listened to the "spank her rear end and teach her a lesson" voice, and I'm not proud of that....I'm just VERY human. (notice disclaimer...I try not to go ape on my kids' rear parts,) I cleaned her off, and threw away the shirt because I'm really annoyed now.

Ok, let's take a break here. Do you ever have those days (could be weeks, or months, or just moments) that you look to heaven and say aloud "REALLY? I mean.....really. I was having one of those moments.

Keep in mind, all of the above events happened by 11:38 this morning...cause I DID look at the clock. I was trying to get ready to go to lunch with some old friends this morning, and it just. wasn't. happening. I was bummed...put out....ticked...whatever you want to call it.

Suffice it to say that by 1pm today, the most normal thing that happened around here was that Adam found a dead mouse on the back lawn and I carried it to the trash with a paper towel.

The great thing about being a mom is, I can still eat refried beans for lunch after dealing with that much crap :) MTV has nothing on this.